For you

The other night I had a dream I had beautiful long hair. I wasn't sure what to do with it but I knew I liked it. I wondered how you would feel about it. In my dreams we're still together. 

You know a new post here is meant only for you. And in the same breath I'll say this note appearing here shows my cowardice. But I'm no good at conflict and I've hid behind my justifications and excuses and distractions. I put this here because at least it means you want to read it. You sought me out. Because today I'm not sure if you have any interest in me. 

Things unravelled so quickly. I didn't stand strong. I was weak and played into fears and uncertainty. But I've always known I love you. I didn't waver on that. The future scares me. I am hopeful you know that I love you, that I wasn't rejecting you or us despite how it may feel like exactly that. I'm so embarrassed in myself and I have been for a long time. I've not been proud of who I am now or in my recent history. I am fighting still through emotional detachment. I have so many theories why. I have so few solutions.

It's not fair what I've done to you, what I continue to do to you. That's why I stopped communicating. Because I feel too afraid to be decisive. Because I cannot figure out how to be happy and stop my issues from breaking me and us. I believe we are meant to be together and yet I've taken several steps and several unacted opportunities to prevent that very thing. 

Anna as you go to London I want you to have just a wonderful, powerful and incredibly moving experience. I want you to know that in my actions I was trying to make an emotionally detached but long-term decision that would lead to us being together. I didn't follow through to make that clear. I let things unravel. And I'm so sorry for that. I got back together with you this year because I wanted that to be permanent. I haven't changed. I feel incredibly stupid for being unwavering in my decision. But I got wrapped up in my fear and my doubts. It's important for you to know those don't outweigh my love and confidence in you. 

I hope one day you read this. I hope one day, when you come back there's a chance for us. I hope that somehow we're still meant to come back together. 

I know you have incredible distrust of me at this point, but I do think the way things ended was not reflective of how things were. And what I mean is that we saw things so differently in the blink of an eye when nothing had changed. I was not harboring this desire to split from you. I was scared about our future, I was not certain, but it was still the path I wanted to take. It is still what I want for my life. And I understand I've probably given that up by being so cryptic that last time we spoke. I couldn't make any decision and therefore my paralysis led us here. I'm so embarrassed by that. But in my mind there's a way to correct, there's a misunderstanding that I have perpetuated. I know you don't trust me, but you're here reading this. You want this too. I'm sorry the road has been so rocky. I'm sorry I've not put you first. I haven't appreciated what I had in you and what we had together. I've told you before it would be different. These words might seem hollow now. But I intend to marry you Anna Dempsey and I hope I haven't permanently obstructed myself from doing so.

JR

My Post Grad Library

Today I finished my fourth piece of classic Russian literature since graduating college. I'm not sure how I embarked upon my classics binge, I simply figured that a book is not considered a classic by mistake. My latest installment was Fyodor Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment. Many balk at reading a dark novel for pleasure, but the content is not so much my concern instead I focus on the writing itself. Dostoyevsky has become one of my favorite authors after having read a pair of his books. In Crime and Punishment he details the events of a criminal over a short period of time: before, during and after a murder. One aspect that I enjoy overwhelmingly is the depth of the main character. In particular Dostoyevsky's ability to complicate him and take him from a despicable character to a complex, troubled, but overal decent person. Another fascinating aspect was the psychology of the main character at different phases and the way it was explored.

I read The Brothers Karamazov upon a friend's suggestion and became immersed in it almost immediately. Easily one of my favorite books of all time. The juxtaposition of the three brothers and their strained relations with their father, all the while they all have at least a bit in common, which made for great reading. I suppose having now read two Dostoevsky novels he tends to include tragic aspects. This book creates great suspense and a true relationship with its characters. The length of the book can be a bit daunting at first (over 1100 pages) but with such great storytelling I found myself wanting more. The book explores so many themes and areas beautifully. The idea of spirituality is discussed throughout, with each brother representing a different viewpoint, and it helps make the entire novel incredibly thought provoking.


George Orwell's 1984 is a chilling and in many ways terrifying novel. The most worrisome part of the post apocalyptic classic is the distinct aspects that can be reflected or predicted in our own society. We are certainly a long way off from Orwell's Big Brother, but there are many things that struck me as eerily reminiscent as I was reading. The book is certainly captivating and a lesson to be taken seriously. Many read this book as part of a curriculum in school, but certainly a good one to go back to and look at it again.

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov is considered by many one of the best novels written. I found it to be wonderfully written and painfully interesting. Looking back now there are certain similarities that I can draw between Lolita and Crime and Punishment. The way both books look into the psychology of unusual minds fascinated me. Lolita tells the story of a love affair between a middle aged man and a young girl, who becomes his obsession. An interesting look at love in a very uncommon way. The main character goes to great lengths to pursue her despite his realization that his imagined life cannot be reality.

Cloud Atlas was another recommendation from an avid reader, which I thoroughly enjoyed. The first half of the book gives portions of six stories going in order from earliest (1800's) to latest (sometime way in the future) with little or very subtle indications that the stories are related. Each portion is written in a various style too. A journal, letters, diary, spoken, etc. which adds a very intriguing element to the book. The second half begins the descent down the ladder, finishing each story and connecting them in unexpected ways. The book explores the theme of connectivity among generations and was a fascinating and very fresh novel. Recently made into a movie, which not only did not do the book justice but the directors seemed to manipulate it into their own perception.


Anna Karenina was an incredibly beautiful and tragic novel. Leo Tolstoy is easily amongst my favorite authors and this stands out as one of his best. The various story lines that he creates in his novels exploring various themes, which are prevalent now as they were centuries ago, are artfully crafted. His style of writing and ability to set up a scene bring you into a story. Anna Karenina delves into the subjects of love, betrayal, pride, shame and so much more. The film was recently released, and I, like so many readers before, profess the superiority of the book, but emphatically I say the film did not even seem to try to capture the true essence of the novel.



War and Peace currently sits atop the list of my favorite books. A bit more daunting in its length (1400+) and deep subject matter, but it could not be more worth the trials and tribulations of getting through. At times profound and transcendent through its subjects of high society in Russia during the Napoleonic era, Tolstoy tells a marvelous story. Various story lines are again prevalent in this Tolstoy masterpiece and are intertwined perfectly. The ability to switch from scenes of battle to scenes of courtship, stirring up various emotions and calling upon philosophy give this novel such a unique greatness. If ever I were to recommend a book it would be this one. Not necessarily an easy read but certainly worth the time.

I have mixed in a few other books since the end of my college career. I read The Hunger Games series to take a break from all the heavy stuff. I enjoyed it but found that by the end the author didn't exactly seem to know where she was going with it. A Thousand Splendid Suns, written by the author of the Kite Runner, told a beautiful story of Afghanistan and the struggles of women through the lens of two generations during multiple wars. I listened to a book (George Orwell's Animal Farm) on tape, which is highly out of character for me, but I enjoyed it immensely, especially when the reader sang. As for whats next I'm still undecided. Obviously I'm impartial to Russian literature, but something different may be in order.





 

HockeyTown

The Shortcomings of Jim Leyland

I am an avid Tigers fan. I watch quite a bit of baseball between March and October. Jim Leyland is the manager in Detroit and he is well respected amongst those in baseball. I share a lot of the respect, but there are times when I'm ready to give up on the old timer. Today is one of those days.

Just a few minutes ago the Tigers lost a game they should've easily won. A 3-2 lead in the 8th inning and Jim decides this is the perfect time to debut the recently called-up rookie Bruce Rondon. Now, I know the kid has tallent, and I know that he needs to learn to pitch in late inning situations, but first he just needs to become acquainted with the big leagues. Rondon reportedly had to be talked out of quitting baseball after finding out he was not going to start the year in the majors. He has not exactly matured yet. So he gives up a run. Not bad, tie game. We go into extras. Jim sticks with Phil Coke for a second inning. Typically relievers only throw one inning, but when extra innings are looming you tend to stretch them out. But this situation played out just a few days ago and it didn't exactly go well. So you would think you might try someone else this time, but 5 runs later the Tigers have no chance and they drop the 5th of their last 6.

I think Jim Leyland has an enormous knowledge about the game of baseball. I think he does a good job in the clubhouse and keeps his team loose and in order. But he is far too loyal to his players. He is always beyond optimistic in running a struggling guy back out there to blow another opportunity or keep the slump going.

Another annoying facet of Leyland's is his coaching staff. Jim employs his friends. I get that you want guys that you trust, but when there aren't results, when those guys have no business coaching big leaguers you'd think a change would be made. Wrong. You can't blame the coaching staff really, but theres a reason its there and I don't see why Detroit is not interested in having a few better options to help out.

The Tigers have been the best team in the central for nearly half a decade, but there have been few regular seasons that they've actually played that way. A manager isn't everything, but a good one goes a long way (Joe Maddon) in getting the best out of every guy on the roster.

Performance Enhancing Drugs in Professional Sports

As an employee of a sports entity and a fan of sports for the majority of my short life, I have an unshakable belief of the rampant usage of performance enhancing drugs throughout the professional sphere of sports and beyond. I, like most around me, take a hard lined, politically correct approach against such widespread cheating. There is a real and immediate advantage coupled with long term consequences.

Baseball is a sport that has been at the center of PED's for a little over the past decade. While there have been strong improvements relative to other professional sports there is still a long way to go. By rough estimations from people I've talked to it would not surprise me if anywhere from 40-75% of players are still using performance enhancers to recover quickly. Whether that is cynical or realistic I cannot say, but I'm inclined to go with the latter.

A while back I read a Bill Simmons article on his take of PED's in professional sports. One point I would like to latch on to is the fact that there is no leading figure among the clean players who is taking a stand against those that are dirty. An example I would like to see is Derek Jeter. Hardly a guy who would be using drugs, which is made more obvious by his lengthy return from injury, he should be the figure head for a campaign against PED's in baseball. If I'm Derek Jeter or anyone like him and I've gotten to the place I have the right way I want to punish those who have cheated to get there or stay there. The problem being that his peers and co-workers would likely ostracize him or anyone else who used their voice to try and clean up the game.

The worst part of it all is that I think a lot of guys coming up through the ranks of professional baseball feel forced to take steroids or other performance enhancers just to keep up. The way the game is now in order to compete you have to be dirty or an unnatural specimen to begin with. Not only is it terrible that one feels he has to cheat to compete, but the things he has to do to his body and the detrimental effects seen later in life, which could be avoided if the game were cleaned up.

I don't know if it can be done, and I admire Bud Selig for trying, but it always seems like the cheaters are a step ahead of the good guys. Unless the veterans, the clean ones, the ones who've done it the right way stand up to stigmatize the behavior and police their own clubhouses it will be a long time before were back to a level playing field.

A True Professional: Mr. Tiger

Today I had the opportunity to eat lunch and have a conversation with one of the greatest Detroit Tigers of all-time: Al Kaline. The hall of famer who now works in the Detroit front office was down in Lakeland to watch Jose Valverde, who is likely to reassume the role of closer for the Tigers next month.

This is the second time I've gotten to sit down with Mr. Kaline and each time he has left the same overwhelming impression on me. For a man of his status and with all his accolades he is one of the nicest people you could ever meet. He will have a conversation with anyone around him and treat him in the same manner he would a friend. I don't know if his amiable nature is the product of a bygone era or if he is just a needle in the haystack, but I highly doubt an equivalent superstar in today's game would act similarly.

We talked about a variety of things: the conditions of Detroit, the educational system, how Jose Valverde looked on the mound, but it did not matter what we talked about Al Kaline was engaged and friendly. Its always amazing to watch what some athletes can do physically on the greatest stage, but sometimes its more impressive to meet one and find out he's just like the rest of us.

Al Kaline Statue at Comerica Park

We're doing it wrong...