The other night I had a dream I had beautiful long hair. I wasn't sure what to do with it but I knew I liked it. I wondered how you would feel about it. In my dreams we're still together.
You know a new post here is meant only for you. And in the same breath I'll say this note appearing here shows my cowardice. But I'm no good at conflict and I've hid behind my justifications and excuses and distractions. I put this here because at least it means you want to read it. You sought me out. Because today I'm not sure if you have any interest in me.
Things unravelled so quickly. I didn't stand strong. I was weak and played into fears and uncertainty. But I've always known I love you. I didn't waver on that. The future scares me. I am hopeful you know that I love you, that I wasn't rejecting you or us despite how it may feel like exactly that. I'm so embarrassed in myself and I have been for a long time. I've not been proud of who I am now or in my recent history. I am fighting still through emotional detachment. I have so many theories why. I have so few solutions.
It's not fair what I've done to you, what I continue to do to you. That's why I stopped communicating. Because I feel too afraid to be decisive. Because I cannot figure out how to be happy and stop my issues from breaking me and us. I believe we are meant to be together and yet I've taken several steps and several unacted opportunities to prevent that very thing.
Anna as you go to London I want you to have just a wonderful, powerful and incredibly moving experience. I want you to know that in my actions I was trying to make an emotionally detached but long-term decision that would lead to us being together. I didn't follow through to make that clear. I let things unravel. And I'm so sorry for that. I got back together with you this year because I wanted that to be permanent. I haven't changed. I feel incredibly stupid for being unwavering in my decision. But I got wrapped up in my fear and my doubts. It's important for you to know those don't outweigh my love and confidence in you.
I hope one day you read this. I hope one day, when you come back there's a chance for us. I hope that somehow we're still meant to come back together.
I know you have incredible distrust of me at this point, but I do think the way things ended was not reflective of how things were. And what I mean is that we saw things so differently in the blink of an eye when nothing had changed. I was not harboring this desire to split from you. I was scared about our future, I was not certain, but it was still the path I wanted to take. It is still what I want for my life. And I understand I've probably given that up by being so cryptic that last time we spoke. I couldn't make any decision and therefore my paralysis led us here. I'm so embarrassed by that. But in my mind there's a way to correct, there's a misunderstanding that I have perpetuated. I know you don't trust me, but you're here reading this. You want this too. I'm sorry the road has been so rocky. I'm sorry I've not put you first. I haven't appreciated what I had in you and what we had together. I've told you before it would be different. These words might seem hollow now. But I intend to marry you Anna Dempsey and I hope I haven't permanently obstructed myself from doing so.
JR
